• Morbid Late-Onset Tourette’s
• Hyper-FUPA
• Teabagger’s Syndrome AKA “Soul Rot”
• Chunder-Thighs

My friend Cory recently tweeted his desire for a band named “Neon Beige”.  Here are my alternate suggestions:

• Bright Brown
• Sparkle Beige
• Luminous Brown
• Flaming Earth Tones

Four amazing things about my car:

1. It takes three months for the rear passenger tire to go flat.
2. In spite of being a convertible with completely rotted-out exhaust, I can still hold conversations with passengers.
3. In spite of smashed turn signal lenses and incandescent bulbs packed in snow, they don’t explode when I turn the lights on.
4. The right front half-axle hasn’t spontaneously disassembled itself.

4our things people tell me I need:

1. Mustache wax
2. A FaceSpace account
3. A girlfriend
4. Lower self-esteem